draft.

I deleted the book for the past month. I have never felt so disconnected from my real life before. People started to tell me I was avoiding them, and that I never made an effort to hang out. This is probably true because I really don't like people. It frustrated me though, because no one ever makes an effort, because the book does it for us. "You didn't invite me." "Well, I posted it on the book, sooo..." It has made us lazy and incapable of maintaining a normal conversation with someone in real life. Why has it come to this?
I have been told that deleting the book is futile, because it is a part our lives now. That basically, in essence, if I don't have a profile on this social networking website I should expect to not have a social life. Why is that acceptable? If someone wants to see me, hang out with me, maintain a relationship with me, you need to be able to pick up the phone and call me. Not message me on the book, not tag me in a status and sure as hell not invite me to an event.
So for a month, (nearly a month) I wasn't on the book. I didn't look at it, no one showed me it, and all I did was post excessively on twitter. Which is the same thing. I didn't really feel a void of any sorts, and I didn't miss it at all. The other day I went to my friend Nick's house and he went on and I saw everything I was missing. I felt a pang somewhere telling me to sign back up but didn't.
Today I did. Worse decision ever.
My friend moved back home from Chico, and I saw her today for the first time in two months. All day I had my phone out. Checking the book. I didn't notice it then, but in hindsight, I literally hardly ever put my phone down. I'm frustrated with myself for doing so. Now I realize why I deleted it in the first place.
I feel like I have no need for it. I have no need to see that you're watching "Alvin and the Chipmunks with my Edward pillow," or that you're "At the movies with the BF watching Dark Shadows!!!!" These things do not matter and serve no purpose in my daily life. I am not phased that you went to school to get a job and now have no job. These are trival daily things that ten years ago happened to everyone and no one shared them because they do not matter. They weren't shared because someone would say to their face, "Who the fuck cares what you had for dinner, eat it and shut up. Why are you taking a picture?" And that would be okay.
Now when someone says "I want a drink but not a drink" someone replies and encourages them with another comment that doesn't matter and I am stuck staring at my screen wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life.
I've had the book for almost twelve hours, and now I want to snoop everyone's profile and find everything I've missed in the past few weeks. I literally became stressed when I started to realize how much I missed out on and how much I had to catch up on. Then I realized, I don't need to. I don't need to live vicariously through these people because one, I hate most of them and two, I have my own life to live.
Of course with all that being said, the book has it's benefits that go without saying. They're obvious and I am aware of them. But I don't care. So for now, I have the book, it's staying, but I am making a conscious effort to stay away from it. We'll see how it goes.

closer.

heat rises
filling my head
breath grows shallow
heart races.
consciously making
an effort to inhale
and exhale deeply.
hands begin to reach
pull for places still
hidden by
unnecessary pieces of
clothing.
lip biting
thoughts fleeting.
no longer concentrating
on my breath.
pull off your shirt
tear mine at the seams.
finger tips digging
into flesh.
my body quakes
underneath
the touch of someone
else's.
breath becoming
so shallow
careful not to disturb
this moment.
palms sweaty,
finding their way
up your chest.
your thumb near
my collarbone.
fingertips
finding that spot at
the nape of my
neck.
goosebumps up my
spine.
I ache for you.
toes curl as I quiver
and shake below you.
come closer.
come closer.
inhale me and I'll
exhale you.
fingernails scratch your back
and my muscles contract.
you taste sweet and
satisfying.
my back arches
pressing my pelvis against
yours.
fumbling I reach for your belt.
removing the last barrier
between our bodies.
pressed against you,
your skin soft and warm.
I've never felt so
desired. at home.
pull me closer.
closer.
every inch of my skin
every inch of you.
envelop me and hold
me so much closer.
I want to be entangled in you.
and not just physically.
wrap my legs around your hips,
and I feel our hearts racing
underneath our sticky skin.
lips upon your skin,
you are delicious.
soft and sweet.
closer, I just want to be
closer.