draft.

I deleted the book for the past month. I have never felt so disconnected from my real life before. People started to tell me I was avoiding them, and that I never made an effort to hang out. This is probably true because I really don't like people. It frustrated me though, because no one ever makes an effort, because the book does it for us. "You didn't invite me." "Well, I posted it on the book, sooo..." It has made us lazy and incapable of maintaining a normal conversation with someone in real life. Why has it come to this?
I have been told that deleting the book is futile, because it is a part our lives now. That basically, in essence, if I don't have a profile on this social networking website I should expect to not have a social life. Why is that acceptable? If someone wants to see me, hang out with me, maintain a relationship with me, you need to be able to pick up the phone and call me. Not message me on the book, not tag me in a status and sure as hell not invite me to an event.
So for a month, (nearly a month) I wasn't on the book. I didn't look at it, no one showed me it, and all I did was post excessively on twitter. Which is the same thing. I didn't really feel a void of any sorts, and I didn't miss it at all. The other day I went to my friend Nick's house and he went on and I saw everything I was missing. I felt a pang somewhere telling me to sign back up but didn't.
Today I did. Worse decision ever.
My friend moved back home from Chico, and I saw her today for the first time in two months. All day I had my phone out. Checking the book. I didn't notice it then, but in hindsight, I literally hardly ever put my phone down. I'm frustrated with myself for doing so. Now I realize why I deleted it in the first place.
I feel like I have no need for it. I have no need to see that you're watching "Alvin and the Chipmunks with my Edward pillow," or that you're "At the movies with the BF watching Dark Shadows!!!!" These things do not matter and serve no purpose in my daily life. I am not phased that you went to school to get a job and now have no job. These are trival daily things that ten years ago happened to everyone and no one shared them because they do not matter. They weren't shared because someone would say to their face, "Who the fuck cares what you had for dinner, eat it and shut up. Why are you taking a picture?" And that would be okay.
Now when someone says "I want a drink but not a drink" someone replies and encourages them with another comment that doesn't matter and I am stuck staring at my screen wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life.
I've had the book for almost twelve hours, and now I want to snoop everyone's profile and find everything I've missed in the past few weeks. I literally became stressed when I started to realize how much I missed out on and how much I had to catch up on. Then I realized, I don't need to. I don't need to live vicariously through these people because one, I hate most of them and two, I have my own life to live.
Of course with all that being said, the book has it's benefits that go without saying. They're obvious and I am aware of them. But I don't care. So for now, I have the book, it's staying, but I am making a conscious effort to stay away from it. We'll see how it goes.

closer.

heat rises
filling my head
breath grows shallow
heart races.
consciously making
an effort to inhale
and exhale deeply.
hands begin to reach
pull for places still
hidden by
unnecessary pieces of
clothing.
lip biting
thoughts fleeting.
no longer concentrating
on my breath.
pull off your shirt
tear mine at the seams.
finger tips digging
into flesh.
my body quakes
underneath
the touch of someone
else's.
breath becoming
so shallow
careful not to disturb
this moment.
palms sweaty,
finding their way
up your chest.
your thumb near
my collarbone.
fingertips
finding that spot at
the nape of my
neck.
goosebumps up my
spine.
I ache for you.
toes curl as I quiver
and shake below you.
come closer.
come closer.
inhale me and I'll
exhale you.
fingernails scratch your back
and my muscles contract.
you taste sweet and
satisfying.
my back arches
pressing my pelvis against
yours.
fumbling I reach for your belt.
removing the last barrier
between our bodies.
pressed against you,
your skin soft and warm.
I've never felt so
desired. at home.
pull me closer.
closer.
every inch of my skin
every inch of you.
envelop me and hold
me so much closer.
I want to be entangled in you.
and not just physically.
wrap my legs around your hips,
and I feel our hearts racing
underneath our sticky skin.
lips upon your skin,
you are delicious.
soft and sweet.
closer, I just want to be
closer.

heart strings

simply stunning,
she said,
when the sand slipped between
her sandwiched toes.
standing above something so vast.
invigorating,
he exclaimed,
and into the international waters
he walked.
together with clasped hands
the took in the tempting
sunlight and thought
today is the best
casually he caressed her
bones keeping sure not to
compress her candy like frame
constrain her somehow.
perhaps the perpetual beats
of his uptight heart
pressured her into wrapping herself
up in him.
he didn't mind a bit.
the frigid breeze of the flustered
ocean air began to flip her flowy hair
and they became tangled
in every which way.
suddenly they were so
close that a simple tug at either
heart string would cause an earthquake.
carefully and deliberately,
they untangled each piece
sometimes making the time together
more painful then others.
their time together on the precipice was over
and they needed to move on
maybe grow apart.
and so they walked opposite directions when
they finally broke free,
except leaving one tiny heart string,
that will never be
broken.

wants

i just want someone to roll around with, someone to turn over and pull me close. a person who will cradle my face and stare into my eyes. he will understand me with a simple glance, and his hands will send sparks across my thighs. i will want him all around me, breathing him in, feeling the sweat ripple down his back as my hands get sticky from it. i want to feel his sweat breath, the kind of breath that grabs hold of anything and everything, the kind that i cannot get enough of. i just want someone to tell me what they want without making me feel awkward, but can take an awkward moment and laugh it off. i want someone to be vulnerable with, someone to break down walls together, be truly naked in a way that we're all so scared to be in. i want to feel lust, i want to be on his mind for days after. i want to yearn for his touch again, i want to be able to feel the same way he made me feel weeks after, i want to be held and caressed and told i'm stunning. i want to be appreciated.

i don't want obligation, i don't want him to be selfish. i don't want to feel not good enough, and i don't want to be told what to do in a condescending tone. i don't want to be pushed, i don't want to feel guilty. i don't want to leave the next morning feeling resentment, i don't want to be alone. i don't want to reach for him only for him to pull away. i don't want to be told i should work out, i don't want to believe he is right. i don't want to get comfortable or bored. i don't want the same thing every time. i don't want to be abandoned in my time of need. i don't want my vulnerability to be taken advantage of. i don't want to feel like a chore, and i don't want to be left in the dark. i don't want what i've already had.

the first kiss

her perfume left a resonating scent in my nostrils, the kind you have to crinkle your nose to get rid of. she smiled so genuinely, i felt it in my gut. i could tell she was nervous, her emotions were so well written on her face. never in her words. i spent a lot of time carefully reading each expression, how it starts in her eyes, and she tries to hold it back. usually her eyebrows show it next, and i follow it down to the twitch in her lips. she was a new novel every day. i envied her for that, i knew i was impossible to read. she held her head tilted slightly down, and the sunlight cast a shadow over her eyes, making them look endless. i could see into her soul. she was so beautiful, and so doubtful of her capabilites of love. she doubted a lot. in this moment i could tell she was thinking of something, and i wanted to address it without embarrassing her. i felt if i made the wrong move, she would fly away, like a butterfly you're trying hard to not disturb. i moved carefully, deliberately, and made sure that she understood where i was going. her eyes lifted and made contact with mine, and suddenly time was paused. i was frozen. she had a sadness that could not be explained in no way shape or form. i wanted to inhale all of her, envelop myself inside her, make her feel full. in that moment i knew she felt empty and alone and all i wanted was to make her feel everything i was feeling. her hands were cold in mine, and she faked a smile. i knew where this was going, and i am going to be honest and say that's all i wanted when i walked into this hotel room, but things were different. the yellow curtains made her hair look like it was on fire, so very harsh against her pale, soft skin. i lifted one hand and placed it under her chin and lifted her head. i wanted to speak but did not dare to disrupt this moment with sound. it was lasting a lifetime but i knew it was mere seconds. she swallowed, trying to push down something she wanted to say, i'm assuming. i'll never know. i opened my hand and ran my palm against her cheek, my fingers finding that spot behind her ear where a hand fits so well. she closed her eyes and breathed in deep, my hand now at the nape of her neck. the eye shadow upon her lids seemed to be placed so perfectly, but it wasn't necessary. i wish she knew. her eyes opened and i was closer than i had realized. i looked at her and smiled, because i felt happier than i ever had before. i placed the tiniest bit of pressure on the back of her neck and leaned forward. her breath smelled sweat, her breathing was shallow and short. i could feel her pulse beneath my palm, i could feel it speeding up with every second. our noses touched, her hair fell into my face. it smelled of mango and was delicious. i wanted to eat her up. she pressed her lips together, biting them. it was so adorable, how she bit that lip. she tilted her head up towards mine, and exhaled, long and slow. i was holding mine, afraid still of her getting away. i pressed my lips against hers, careful not to be too eager. they were soft, smooth. warm. ours parted at the same time and the instant feeling of her wet tongue against mine seemed to end the moment and suddenly everything began moving at normal speed. she kissed me back, hard this time, kissing me in a way i had never been kissed before. i cupped her face with my hands, she ran hers through my hair. i couldn't get enough of her. gasping for breath in between lip locks, exchanging glances for a split second. she put her hands on my shoulders and pushed me on the bed. the window was behind her now. she sat above me, smiling now. the curtains now made her look like she was illuminated, and she was glowing.
"you're beautiful."

alignment

stars, so far, out of reach, out of hand.
what do they feel, knowing
they can't ever be held
by someone who loves them.
always kept at a distance,
always marveled at from afar
a distance that it can only
be measured in years.
a distance so far
that no one can ever travel
without the possibilty
of being pulled into a
blackhole, one atom
at a time.
without the fear
of losing the pressure
of gravity holding their bones
and limbs together.
is it too much
to know that you're
somebody's sun? somebody's
support system,
a whole empire beneath you,
surrounding you,
enveloping you.
children below you, that you
caress and give thanks to
only eight and a half minutes
away from life,
from skin,
from love.
a love so far gone that we can
only imagine.
what could be worse
then knowing the damage
your love could cause.
the corona is only the beginning.
pulling your essence close
would be a death wish
masochistic. brave.
all they need is two feet,
and they could dance.

all i need is your love,
from a distance.

perfect scene.

her legs dangled from the swing like twigs, hardly catching the sunlight. her skin was so brown it glistened, causing the light to dance across her calves, up to her knees. the paisley dress started halfway up her thigh, almost too short, but leaving just enough to the imagination. the seat of the swing was made from oak, splitering with age. bearing beneath her weight which wasn't much, it ached against her legs. the splinters massaged her vessels, teasing them, craving to break skin. the dress was like a preview of what was beneath it all, a simple set of screens before the main film. her elbows were hanging, her hands gripping the rope tightly. it was rough beneath her fingers. as she sway back and forth, the wind caught the top of her blouse, gently using its fingers to find a way to unbutton the top of her dress. her hair was longer then her shoulders, easily covering her entire face. as she sway again, she tilted her head back in ecstasy. her mouth created a smile so serene no angel could even come close. she directed her joy towards heaven, while gravity began to pull her back to earth. the straps began to fall lose, falling off her golden shoulders. her eyes were like glitter, catching every bit of light that found its way through the leaves and branches. she held her head so high with such grace. her lips were like pillows, that any man in his right mind would love to lay his lips upon. she sat there, waiting, and waiting. for a man to come and pry her from her tree swing. pull her from her tree swing. and place his pillow lips against hers.